11 September, 2012

Fiction Friday: Murderous Inspiration from your Kitchen

I never fully realized just how dangerous a kitchen can be until I started my “fall cleaning.” It’s the perfect one-stop shop for murder weapons. Apparently, I have an entire arsenal at my disposal.

Consider knives. I mean, sure, everyone know about sharp knives, the weapon of choice in uncountable stories and movies from Josephine Tey’s The Man in the Queue to Psycho. Though not always kitchen utensils, knives are extremely popular with murderers.

I, personally, have a rather large collection (20+ not counting tableware), ranging from a two-inch fruit knife to a slim boning knife.  My favourite is the 14-inch chef’s knife I got at culinary school — just perfect for dissecting a body. Henckels and Wusthof are good brands; just avoid the Kyocera knives as their blades tend to break more easily, especially when used on hard objects like skulls.

For a quicker job, consider the electric knife, basically a mini-chainsaw. Think of all the time your killer could save, leaving him (or her) ample time to carefully bag the various parts before distributing them around town for the police to find. I recommend the Cuisinart CEK-40 Electric Knife. This knife contains an extremely powerful motor with two high quality stainless steel blades (one serrated and one ideal for carving) that are dishwasher safe. The four-foot cord might require an extension cord, but this beauty is only $54.95 on-line.

Too trite? Here are a few other equally lethal kitchen tools for your killer’s consideration:

The Shish kabob skewer. Skewers come in bamboo, stainless-steel, decorated or Plain Jane, but anyway you look at them, one good thrust through the frontal lobe (via a nostril) and you’ve either performed a lobotomy or you have a corpse.

The meat tenderizer. There are two primary varieties: the mallet and the blade/prong tenderizers. So much handier than the silver candlestick or the heavy crystal vase. Consider its purpose and then consider what would happen if your killer hit his victim in the face a dozen or so times. Not a pretty picture.

The “brulee” gun. In case you’ve never used one, this is nothing more or less than a kitchen blowtorch, used primarily to blister the skin on peppers or caramelize sugar on a dessert. It is also perfect if your killer has a sadistic streak. A bottle of cognac and a propane torch – what more do you need? Instant combustion.\

So much for my culinary weapons. Next time, I’ll take a look at kitchen gadgets that can help you dispose of your freshly killed body. After all, a tidy murder scene is a happy murder scene.


  1. There's so much plot potential here! Thanks.

  2. Just yesterday I was using my Henckels cooking fork on a beef roast and thinking what a useful weapon it would be because, unlike most cooking forks I've seen, the tines are 5 1/2 inches long.

    Kitchens are dangerous places (and so useful to the crime writer).